Charlene's Diary, Hands Off

Thursday, May 20
I can't believe I'm going to be on the news tonight. You always think that because you don't know the people on the news, no one else does either. Well, now here I am on the TV screen in my own apartment. The caption under my picture says "missing person found unharmed". I am so embarrassed!!!!!
They used my driver's license picture. I hate my hair in that picture!
My sister called the police because I didn't come home after my blind date with that idiot idiot IDIOT Karen set me up with. The date was a disaster. I wanted to leave as soon as I got to the ice cream parlor and saw him sitting there. He is so dumb!! He has a combover!!!
He dresses like a science teacher from the '80's. I think I spotted a fanny pack, and he was wearing these totally retarded black pressed dress slacks! With velcro sneakers!!!! Is he kidding? I stayed a half hour, just to be nice. He's only like 40 but he looks about 80. And I would bet my LIFE he's still a virgin. I hate Karen! How lame does she think I am?
He was all excited about us sharing an ice cream sundae, but I am doing Atkins so I just told him I was lactose intolerant, which brought on a 15 minute monologue about different rare allergies, and how he was allergic to Penicillan but now he isn't because he loves blue cheese dressing or something. I finally excused myself to the bathroom, gave myself a silent pep talk that didn't work, and then I just left out the side entrance and took off.
I guess the police were questioning the guy, Herbert, because he was the last person I was seen with, and he's a weirdo.

Herbert Yardler's Blind Date

PROPERTY OF
HERBERT YARDLER
(diary, typed on his mother's old typewriter)
Met Charlene at McFrackle's for ice cream. I got a great parking space right out front so that was a good start to the date. But it pretty much went downhill from there. It turns out Charlene is LACTOSE INTOLERANT. She had coffee and I had a banana split, and she looked like being there around all that lactate was making her sick, and it was really awkward because when I asked her on the phone if she wanted to meet for ice cream she said that sounded nice. I mean am I a mindreader?

Will not do this again. Yes, my sister means well but I am a bachelor. I like it that way. I don't need someone nagging me and being all mushy and crying and things like that.

meta one

There used to be a whole gang of us who would eat lunch together almost every day, take smoke breaks together, make birthday cakes for each other and just really enjoy one another. Some of my best friends of life I met through working at the Hospitable Professional Center. I worked front desk for a dentist for sixteen years, but he had a pretty nasty divorce and his ex-wife took him for everything he had. I guess he was having an affair with his tennis teacher. Anyway, I got re-trained and now I work as a dental hygenist for his ex-partner.
I don't really like it because dentists make me nervous, but I am trying to embrace this new part of my life.