R.I.P.

I enjoy reading obituaries. I always wonder, would I have liked this person? Do I only think I like them now because they are dead? Obituaries always leave me wanting more, because they are never written by the person you really want to hear from.
I once had a good friend who died. He died young, too young. His death was an accident, but he must've sensed it coming, because just a few weeks before he died he told me that if he died before I did, that I shouldn't allow his mother to give him a religious funeral.
"Sure" I said, "No problemo. That would totally suck".
But then he really died, in a terrible accident, and what was I going to do- tell his mother that she couldn't bury her youngest child in a way that gave her comfort? She wouldn't have listened anyway. She's pretty intimidating.
I felt like such an ass at the funeral... I was the only one in the whole place who knew that he would literally be rolling over in his newly dug grave from embarrassment if he could see the precious, unreal service; the little cards with his photo and various Bible quotes that were given out like party favors. I was one of his older friends; the friend he had before he got sober; the no-good burnout from high school. I wasn't asked to speak about him at the funeral though I had known him for thirteen years. That was left to people his mother thought would reflect the more shiny, new, "positive Robert"- people who had known him less than a year. There was his manager at the electronics shop where he had worked for four months, who spoke glowingly of his stellar customer service skills. There was his NA sponser, an ex-junkie Army colonel who gave Robert the tough love his missing father had never supplied. He was kind of cool, but he obviously had so many "issues" of his own that it was kinda distracting-like he had this nervous twitch and he said the word "sobriety" one too many a time for my liking. I don't know, it's like, to someone just passing by, they would have gotten this totally skewed view of who Robert was, like he was just this boring jackass who took pride in his bullshit $8 and hour job and drank bad coffee with a bunch of losers at Waffle House while he talked about where he went wrong.
I miss him.
My mom's bugging me to cut the grass so I have to get off the computer now.
Later.

The Years Have Not Been Kind

My 30th high school reunion was last night. I wasn't there. I was working in the other ballroom, catering a wedding. I didn't even realize it was my high school class until I saw Kathleen Jervis and Rachel Simmons in the smoking lounge when I went in there to empty the ashtrays. Those bitches! I heard them before I saw them- it was a complete flashback to high school, when I'd walk into the ladies room and hear their high-pitched laughs as they made fun of everyone in our homeroom, chair by chair, except instead of making fun of David Bunson's glasses, they were talking about how fake Marie Blackledge's wig looked and how they would never leave the house wearing a wig that tacky, chemotherapy or not.

FOK U

I am completely freaked out about Brad and Jennifer getting seperated!! Who could've imagined that those two would split??? I just feel like, if people that beautiful and cool can get a divorced, than who's marriage is safe??
It makes me almost want to break off my engagement to Tim. I mean, it's like, Tim's not even all that hot.
WHAT IS UP WITH JENNIFER ANISTON????????????????

I'm not being serious...I am totally committed to Tim and to our wedding. At this point there is no turning back. I have already had 275 Tshirts printed up for the rehearsal dinner. They are so cute! Tim's party's shirts say "I GOT YOUR BACK, TIMBO!" and mine say "FOK U!!!!" Which means "Friends of Kari, Unite!!!" I was going to do a Britney and get Tim a shirt that says "PIMP", but there's the whole thing with his younger sister Janine running away and being a prostitute in Michigan after she had an affair with the neighbor who was like 45 and all that and I didn't want her to see the shirt and have a flashback and ruin my frigging rehearsal dinner or something!!! She has A LOT of problems. I wish she weren't coming to the wedding. Tim tells me all the time that I am the most judgemental person he has ever met, but that it makes him feel kind of lucky because he knows how picky I am.

To Do: 2005

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1)Try Mexican food
2)Have fat around knee and groin area removed
3)Pick up excess dog doo in front yard,or hire a neighborhood child to do it
4)Rotate patriotic bumperstickers more often so they don't get all weather damaged, making me look cheap
5)Smile more!!!!! Why else did I spend all that money on clear braces?


Happy New Year.